A Letter I Received Recently From A NONastronomer:
We hear you out there in the dark, shouting, every night: “The light’s too bright! The light’s too bright! It’s never dark enough! Never, ever dark enough!”
Well, Head’s Up Uranus, asstronomers!
Just what do you star-geeks do out there in the dark with those fancy, funny, long, metal tubes?
“Give us dark,” you threaten, “and no one’ll get hurt!”
Well, don’t try to hold us pat-triotic, light-loving USA’ns hostage to your bizarre, evil, nightlife ways!
Yes, we hear you wailing, “Shine your lights down, not up, out, and all about!”
Whining, “Neuter lights with shields and LEDs!”
Whimpering, “Lighting laws are good for all.”
Or worse, you demand, “Turn off the lights!”
That’s all UnAmercan! Goes against the 2nd, 4th, 20th, or whatever, ‘mendment!
And now you asstronomers are bellyachin’ about city lights outshining that Comit iSon thingy. (POOF! It’s gone. Comet ISON is now nothing more than a puff of dust, lost amidst the stars, all but impossible to see, unless you know where, when and how to look, dimming more even as I type this update. Watch a movie of the comet’s inward and outward race around the sun from 11-27 to 12-2 here. Oh, well, maybe the next comet’ll survive the sun.)
Don’t tell us what you whacko uranus-ologists do out there in the dark. We see you looking up those tubes!
Nope we don’t wanna know! It’s all probably some weird, evil, anti-’Merican, Satanist ceremony to turn us into dark sky zombies, or worse, Venus vampires!
Ter-rists! That’s what you are! All Ter-rists! All you *%#!$ asstronomers are Ter-rists!
But it won’t work, Ter-rists! We have a right to bright light your night! This here’s ‘Merica! ‘Sin that Constitutionary thingy somewhere, isn’t it? Light, Baby, Light!
No, sir, you’ll have to come here, personally, and yank our lights from our cold, dead, hands!
That’s the only way you’ll “kill” our night lights, Ter-rists! And we’re all gun’d ‘n ammo’d up, ready ‘n waitin’ for ya!